• Closed • Sometimes you just need to talk

[Ti'niva]

20th Cylus, Arc 717

It was cold, ice cold, as was usual in Cylus. He sat across from Vega in the clearing where he would meditate normally alone, however, in this case he was with her. She had decided to accompany him, with his blessing, on this small outing, it had been too long since Ti had meditated. He missed the feeling of peace and serenity it brought him. Although he rarely had epiphanies while meditating, that time was generally reserved for emptying his mind and instead focusing on the nature around him. Today he planned to try and understand some of the issues he was having, mainly the guilt that festered inside him.

He was wrapped up unlike usual, in any other season he would have taken off his tunic and sat in the nude. He found that the less he wore the closer he was to the world around him. However, in the case of this session, for Vega's mental well being and because nearly all nature was dead or sleeping he would remain safe from the cold biting breeze and the icy ground by hiding inside his large bear fur coat.

The warmth that was insulted by the clothing against his body was enough to keep him from shivering. Yet, even under the layers he could still feel the cold clawing its way in, trying to take away the sanctuary he was hiding inside. Everything was tight and close in an attempt to keep the warmth in but it was not all he was trying to keep in.

He had been trying to keep in his pain for over a season and it was beginning to become unbearable. Now he was sat trying to understand where the guilt and pain was coming from, searching for a solution. He couldn't concentrate though, he couldn't think and he was stumped as his eyes flickered open. "Vega, I sorry interrupt but I no can do, my mind stuck." He looked at her his eyes sad and heavy with emotion. It was clear something was bothering him greatly and the bags under his eyes showed his lack of sleep well.

[Vega]

There was no doubting it, Vega was a strange mixture of Biqaj and Sev'ryn. Having shared a camp now for twenty trials, the three of them and of course she and Ti'niva had shared one before that so he knew that it was rare that the woman was ever still. If she was standing, she was bouncing on the balls of her feet. If she was sitting, she was fidgeting. When she ate she had the habit of moving her food around her plate constantly and tapping her foot. She was never still.

Until they'd come here together to meditate. Ti'niva had said he was going to and Vega has asked if she could accompany him. She had meditated some before, she explained and she did each trial, in her tent. Of course, having known her for more than thirty trials now, Ti'niva would be more than aware that sometimes, Vega defined things a little differently to other people ~ what she called meditation might be unlike anything he'd seen. Considering how much she practiced with it, she might think that meditation was swinging a sword, frankly.

Except, here they had come and she sat opposite him. Sitting, cross legged in the traditional posture for meditation and with her back straight, Vega had her hands on on her knees, her hair loose and her eyes closed. She breathed in through her nose and felt the calmness enter her body. Exhaling through her mouth she visualised all negativity and distractions simply flowing out. Each breath was calming and healing and she concentrated on the sounds of the water. That was what she heard, what she visualised and imagined because it was what she knew.

Strangely, Vega looked positively serene. It was something that she did and had always done every trial and she needed to do this. Her thoughts floated out on the sea she visualised, lapping around her and gently soothing away all that had worried her.

When Ti'niva spoke, Vega smiled a very slight, very gentle smile and she opened her eyelids to reveal her eyes. Currently they were a deep green with flecks of silver in them. "I know," she replied. It was obvious to her, sitting there together. He was tense and everything about him was. She had noticed in the camp before she'd met Arlo, but Ti'niva hadn't wanted to talk about it then. Looking at him now, she judged that he did and that was fine with Vega.

She shuffled forward, slightly, so that her knees were touching his. No more physical contact than that, but just enough that he knew she was there. Her hands on her knees were palm upwards and open; he could take them if he chose, but there was no pressure for him to do so. She kept her breathing slow and regular, it was something her father had done with her when she had been upset and she knew that, for her at least, it worked. She didn't speak for a few trills, just being calm and quiet and with him. Knees touching so that he knew that there was another being there with him. "Would you like to share your burden with a friend?" Then, though, she realised that she was forcing a choice on him which might not be what he wanted. So, she added "Dẹọdọ sìlpey ke’u, miu alailesin?", thereby giving him the choice of speaking in whichever language he chose.

Off Topic

Dẹọdọ sìlpey ke’u, miu alailesin? = What hold you, my friend? (where are you stuck.. ish?)

[Ti'niva]

She knew, he had no idea how she knew, he had hoped he had been hiding his discomfort well. Still, she knew. He looked at her a little surprised it could be seen in his eyes that it was clearly unexpected for her to have been able to tell. "How, I no no it so easy see." He smiled nervously at her. He would need to learn how to better cover it up then, he was used to dealing with things himself and it was unlike him to bother others with his issues.

He smiled as she moved in closer, it was comforting to have someone there close. He knees come against his and he saw her hands out, he was unsure if he should take them. He hadn't held a girls hand for many arcs and so he left it. Instead he raised his hand to his temples as he listened to her question. First in common and then a question in Xanthea, some small mistakes but it was understandable. Vega was coming on fast with the language, ´much faster than he had learned common.

"Käsatseng, sev kur ara ọsïsẹ." He answered the first question in Xanthean showing he appreciated the sentiment of her speaking to him in the language of their people. Although he knew it would be easier for him if he spoke in common and so instead of Xanthea he switched to her better language. He himself would find it more difficult to express himself but he could manage and he knew that, he did not know her knowledge of Xanthea.

He looked her in the eyes and bit his lip for a moment before letting it out, something he had told few about. "They no let sleep, they make feel like I bad and wrong. The monsters stop me dream they take away my free night and sleep." He pointed to his head to indicate that, 'they', were in his head. "They no let forget, they make remember me pain and..." He searched fort the word but it escaped him in common. He just stared at her as he thought it was clear something in his head was disturbing him, not allowing him to be at ease with himself.

The word finally came to him and he grimaced as he said ti, the images of the women flashing behind his closed eyelids. "Guilt." He bowed his head as he searched for some strength to continue speaking of the painful memories and nightmares. He was exhausted and it made it hard to think straight.

► Show Spoiler

"Käsatseng, sev kur ara ọsïsẹ."-

[Vega]

How did she know? Vega smiled at him and lifted her shoulders in a shrug. "Normally, I can't. But this is supposed to be a time when you are relaxed, not tense. You are tense and it shows in your shoulders, in your hands." It was just in this stillness that it became apparent, even the sound of his breathing was quicker than it would normally be. "Also," she admitted with a smile. "I assumed that you are much better at this than me. You're always so calm, so... Sev'ryn, I suppose. I am only starting to understand what that means."

After replying in Xanthea first, Ti'niva spoke in Common. That was his choice and Vega respected it so she said nothing on that. She didn't speak whilst he did, simply listened. He wasn't sleeping he was having bad dreams. He was having these, because he held on to something. Vega watched him, quiet and unmoving as he searched for the word. When he spoke it, for all that it was small in terms of the number of letters in it, there was no doubting that it was huge for him. Her eyes, pale ice blue at the moment, regarded him and she was quiet for a few moments. Then, she twisted to the side and picked up a small stone, which she held in her hands.

"When I was a little girl," Vega spoke in a thoughtful tone, "I watched a ship burn into the ocean. I heard the screams of the dying and all I cared about was that my father was trying to save them. People died that trial and maybe some of them did so because I clung to him and begged him not to go. Even just one." She put the stone on his knee, with a smile. "I felt so guilty afterwards. Because of me, my actions. I told no one and had dreadful nightmares. Eventually, I told my father. He said that guilt is a monster that gets bigger when you don't look at it. It hides, he told me, growing and gnawing at you and if you don't pay it attention then it whispers to you in your dreams."

Vega tapped the stone on his knee. "He told me to look at it. To understand what I had done, what I felt guilty for. Not to ignore it, that gave it power. To look at what I had done, talk to people, understand why I had done it. Then, before bed each night and every morning, to put it into a stone. I used to whisper it into a stone." With a shake of her head Vega smiled at Ti'niva. "Biqaj have strange ways, I know. But I put my guilt and worry into a stone every morning and night and when it was full, I threw the stone in the ocean and got another." There was no doubting Vega's feelings for her father as she spoke. "What I really did, though, was faced it. Faced what I was ashamed of and looked at it until I realised that what I did was do my best in a terrifying situation. "

Leaning forward, Vega took Ti'niva's hand and then turned it so that it was palm upwards. Into it, she placed the stone. "We call them ૮મએળ ૮મશરઇ૮ which means 'star stones'. Xiur is the Immortal of stars and of hope and that stone is his. There is light in the darkness, because there are stars. Even in Cylus there are stars.

She looked at him and asked, quiet and thoughtful, "Do you want to tell me the terrifying situation you did your best in, Ti'niva?"

[Ti'niva]

Ti’niva was sure he would never understand the traditions of the Biqaj. They did so many strange things, that as a Sev’ryn, seemed a little crazy. Yet, somehow Vega’s story seemed to help a little, maybe not because of the rock but because he realised he was not the only one to have done something that caused the death of others. Although, maybe he would have found it even more helpful if he could feel that she too truly had the blood on her own hands. If she too had held the dead people and been covered in their blood.

He felt sick as he thought about it, the taste of bile on his tongue as he fought back the urge to be sick. The meaning of Vega’s story was clear though, he needed to face it. He needed to put himself face to face with the thing that haunted him, no matter how much it hurt. Yet, he did not feel ready, not even close and it would take time but now he knew one way to try and face what he did. No matter how bad it was, he had to forgive himself one day and facing it would apparently help.

“I see Xiur once.” He looked at his companion and smiled a little wondering if she would be upset he had and she hadn’t or more that she would be impressed. The truth was Ti had seen more immortals than many. He did not know them all not even close and even the ones he had seen he barely new anything about but he had seen them. They had been stood and sat in the judgment halls in Ne’haer and fighting on the frozen wastes of Oscillus.

Her next question made him uneasy, unsure whether it was really okay for him to tell her. He was afraid she would judge him for it, he was worried she would see him differently. He for sure knew that he saw himself differently now. “I fight in battle in Oscillus, when shadow monster attack world I be sent by Moseke help fight in battle. In this I go ice land and face shadow and woman, warrior woman, Naerikk.” He remembered the Naerikk warrior women he had killed, their cries of agony and their faces flashing in his mind’s eye. “I...I kill them, the womans, I take life from them. I shoot them and I stab them and I make them die.” He looked down at his hands in shame as if they were still covered in the blood.

“Now I see them, in dream and when I close eye and try think. They there, they call murderer and kill me. They make me guilt.” His once straight and strong stature was now little more than a drooped slouch. He lifted his head and looked at Vega, tears now littered his face as he sighed and searched for calm. Attempting to try and regain control of his emotions that he rarely let others see.

[Vega]

He thought about what she said, then he told her that he'd seen Xiur. Vega looked at him as he did and nodded her head. "I have never seen an Immortal, to my knowledge." Arlo had, so had Ti'niva. She wanted to ask him about it, ask him what Xiur was like, what he looked and sounded like. But right now, Ti'niva needed her not to do that, but to listen to him. Not quite sure where this ability to be a grown up came from, Vega sat and listened to him as he spoke.

She tried to remain calm, because she thought that was what he needed and wanted but when Ti'niva started to cry Vega's violet eyes filled with compassion and she took both of his hands in hers. Sitting there, knees touching it was a tiny movement, but she held on to both his hands and squeezed, gently. Giving him support and letting him know that she was there and she was his friend.

He told her what had happened, that Moseke herself had asked him to go to Oscillus, he had fought and had needed to kill. Ti'niva was not a soldier in his heart, Vega knew that. He was gentle and kind and the thought of what he had done plagued him. Her heart went out to him and she felt her own voice catch in her throat as she spoke to him.

"Ti'niva," her eyes had darkened and were such a deep purple they were almost black, with flecks of gold appearing in them. When she spoke, Vega's voice was deep with emotion. "I am so sorry that happened. So sorry, my friend." Her hands in his were tight and she did not drop her gaze. "But you were asked to do something by the Immortal you love and trust. She asked you to go there and you went." To act in faith, she firmly believed, was not a bad thing.

"When there, doing Moseke's work, you were faced with an awful, dreadful choice. Live or die, Ti'niva. That was the choice. Live and defend others, or die and fail." She couldn't begin to imagine how it must have been for him. "You chose to live, to act in faith and do your best. What else could you have done?" What other options had there been for him, she wondered. Had there been any?

Had this been her, though, she knew what she would feel and what would be the real cause of her pain and fear. "Have you prayed to Moseke, Ti'niva? Gone to her temple if that is what you do, or walked the woods if that is?" That, she thought, would be her fear. That she had killed and in doing so had somehow let Moseke down whilst doing her best. If it was Xiur or U'frek, that would be her fear without doubt. She wondered if Ti'niva had done that, if he felt that he had done the best by the Immortal he followed.

"I have just one question, if I might?" Vega looked at him and raised her eyebrows slightly. "If I had done what you did, exactly what you did. If I had and we were sitting here together, you and I and I had told you what you have told me?" She smiled at him slightly, her hand squeezed his with gentle reassurance. "What would you tell me?"

[Ti'niva]

Vega took his hands and he found comfort in it, although it did not stop the tears from streaming down his cheeks like waterfalls. It did make him feel cared for though, her hands in his reminded him that he was not alone. He had her among others who cared about him, as he looked at her he wished he could stop crying. He felt weak and foolish to cry about such things, he was a man and he was meant to serve the Earth Mother. Yet, how could he do such things and service her well if he couldn't even kill without being overwhelmed with guilt. Maybe he wasn't made for a life serving like he had thought, maybe he should just return to being a hermit. One thing came to mind as he thought of that, a dark haired woman who had helped him to see the truth and he needed to stay true to that.

She spoke of faith and trust in his immortal, the things he was all beginning to doubt and find trouble having. He loved Moseke, that was for sure and he could not refute that. Still, he failed to trust that he couldn't have found some other solution to the killing. This was exactly what Vega asked him and he looked at her his eyes no longer releasing tears but still glossy as they remained full of liquid. He doubted he could ever truly believe he had done right but she was write he could not think of any other way he could have enacted himself. "I no know, not going only thing I think of." He truly was unsure of what he could really have done better or different.

"I know what I do come Ashan, I search for something my mother leave me. The elder give me map and tell that something be from mother there. That what do first then when find I travel in forest. I need time in nature, free and attuned. I search myself again " He was going to leave on this journey once Arlo and Vega had left his camp and he was again free to do as he wished. He also assumed nothing was going to stop this happening but it was his plan. He needed to travel to learn the forest better and to further grow close and strong with his connection to nature.

"I do no know what I tell you, maybe I say that you do what right, you help for good or mortals and you do what you think you should for who you faith in." He tried to think more but he had no clue what to say really, if he did he most likely would have not felt as he did. "I thank you Vega, you have very helpful and I sure I get normal soon again." He smiled at her forcing back his sadness in favour of happiness for his companion. "It hard but I think I do it, time will help so will travel and self finding. I will miss you when gone." He looked at her now, a slight adoration showing for his new friend.