Fantasy RPG Forum - Standing Trials

Dermatillomania/Trichotillomania

Someone (who is not on this site but knows of my writing here) recently asked me why I had a PC who engaged in dermatillomania (a mental health condition where a person compulsively picks his/her skin). He said it could act as a trigger for some people, maybe it would embarrass them. I think he was speaking from a sensitive and good place - I think he was worried that I would do a poor job of it and insult someone with this real problem. I was... a little dumbstruck. Not because I have never thought about it... I can promise you I have. What surprised me is that he could even think I would do that. This is a friend who knows me well.

Thing is... I have trichotillomania. I compulsively pull out my own hair. Disgusting I know. But I do it. I have done it since I was 12 years old - 12 years now. It started with my first round of headlice, I would pick out the eggs one by one. Somehow, that became an enduring habit where I now feel tension and stress build up inside me until I finally raise my hand to my head and search for a hair that feels "too rough" or "too thin" or "too long" or just not quite right. And I remove it. I'm doing it now. As I type this, I keep pausing just to have a bit of a fiddle. Over the years, I've gotten better. Almost an expert at physically hiding the evidence (no more obvious bald patches). It's finally at a length where I feel normal, and my wonderful hairdresser knows it all and helps me to get a cut to make me feel comfortable and confident. It's a shame it costs a minimum of £70 to see him.

Those of you who have trich, or have a similar disorder like OCD, or addictions, probably have heard about triggers: situations where you tend to fall into the habit/disorder more. For me, reading, watching TV, writing, being on the laptop, and driving are my biggest triggers. And no, fidget devices don't work. It's not about keeping my hands busy. Sometimes I can literally spend hours staring at my computer screen (or, rather, using the light of the screen to find split ends and remove them). When I tell people I have done "nothing" for a certain stretch of time, I literally mean that all I have achieved is a pile of discarded hair beside my bed.

Some people think the best thing to do for disorders like this (you know, where my health/life isn't endangered) is just accept that you have them and live with it, because the consequences of it can’t really be bad enough to need to try and “fix it”. The thing is, when you have a behaviour that can suck up literally hours of your day because you are so engrossed in it, it becomes a problem. Women in our society place a very big importance on hair and hair-dos, that when you don’t have any hair, or have a noticeable bald patch, it is extremely stigmatising. Or you have to hoover your room multiple times a week to stop the hairballs. Or when friends start noticing and laugh at you (or worse - tell you to stop). There are so many psychological repercussions of a hidden condition like this.

Once upon a time, people thought trich was a form of self-harm. Then it was anxiety related, and now it falls under a category close to OCD, with an anxiety element.Mood and anxiety disorders are largely accepted by the people I know. They talk of acceptance and how they want to support the people with them... but when they come face to face with something like this, I become a pariah, and they instantly change their song. It seems only certain types of mental health problems are acceptable in this day and age.

I guess the biggest problem is the image of women: bald women are stigmatised, no matter the cause. And, you know.. it's not like I have cancer. All I have to do is stop, right? Fuck off.

I come to accept it, in a way. Well.. I've learnt to mask the problem, in my many years. I don't enter video chats with people, except my fiancé. I don't like it because either I expose myself, or start to feel like all my muscles have seized, if I force myself not to pull at my hair. But I've also learnt to be more open about it. I speak to my friends about it and even have the balls to post something so personal like this online. I am surprised at how easy this is to write... but how hard it is to actually post it. I know I will regret it instantly, and probably remove it the instant I get awarded the medal for the Writing Challenge haha. A massive part of me cares about what you think, but then again, if you are my friend, you will be supportive. And if you're not, you're not my friend. Or you'll never read this, which is great too. My guess is that anyone who does read this will be so uncomfortable that they will pretend they never have. Taboo subject and all.

And, in the grand scheme of things.. why does it matter? I'm not hurting anyone but myself. the worst you'll have to put up with (if you know a trichster - yes, we have a nickname for ourselves) is a couple of hairs on your socks.

So.. back to the point of the post. My character goals for Delta are for her to overcome her condition. Because I'd like to see at least one of us be free of this.[/quote]