Fantasy RPG Forum - Standing Trials

Praetorum had been expecting the knock on his door. 



He just hadn't been expecting who would be behind it. 



Listening to Vega's words, Prae nodded silently, and stepped aside, pulling the door open so Vega could step in. "To be honest," he said, "I was sort of expecting Balthazar would be the first to come talk to me about this." He gestured at the inside of his room. "The chair's my size, so it might be a little tall for you, but the bed should be low enough for you to sit on if you want." 



Prae rubbed his muzzle as he shucked off his longcoat, draping it carefully over the back of the chair. "Cassion asked me the same question. Or, asked me to try and figure out the same thing, I guess. To try and understand why I did it." He grimaced. "I haven't—I don't think I have a good answer yet. I've been thinking about it all night, and it's still all muddled up in my mind."


Still, he owed it to Cassion, to Vega, to Balthazar, and most of all, to Elisabeth, to understand why. So he settled by the desk, trying to think. Trying to remember what he'd thought, how he'd felt. After a few ticks of silence, Prae sighed. Without really thinking, he reached out towards the table, and started to run his claws over the little crystal sculpture he'd been gifted. "I was... I wasn't afraid, and I didn't panic. Both of those, I know how to deal with. But it was something like that. I saw Elisabeth there, dying, and I just—" He wrapped his hand gently around the crystal, an image of him and his brothers, frozen in time. "I had to do something. It's not a good answer, I know. And it's not the whole answer either, I just... I don't have it all sorted out yet in my head. I couldn't do nothing. Not again."

Praetorum listened quietly as Vega spoke, her voice and eyes sharp, as if the flecks of fire coming off of her wasn’t indication enough of how she was feeling.

She was much angrier than Cassion had been about it. But the core of her dressing down was the same as Cassion’s gentle reprimand. Praetorum had to understand why, because this? This couldn’t happen again.

A time in his life when he did nothing, and something bad happened. His grip tightened minutely on the crystal in his hand, and he turned to look at it once more, stroking his claws over the visage of the brothers he’d failed. That was just it, wasn’t it. In almost losing Elisabeth, he’d seen himself losing Serinius, losing Luther again.

Except, the worst failure of his life hadn’t been when he’d done nothing. It had been when his vision, his mind had narrowed down to a single person, and suddenly nothing else in the world had mattered.

Just like on Ishallr.

“You’re right. That moment might come again—I’m almost certain it will. This… this seems to be a flaw of mine I never saw before. Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern. But the last time this happened, the last time I lost sight of everything to try and save one person… It ended badly, and it hurt, so deeply and for so long that I couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t understand it, couldn’t learn from it. I won’t make that mistake this time.”

He sighed heavily, setting the crystal figurine down. “A little of all three, I think is the answer to your question. In my right mind, I know that Elisabeth’s life isn’t worth that of everyone in Scalvoris. I do know that. But I saw someone I care deeply about dying, and my right mind went up in flames. I wasn’t afraid or panicking—it was just that for that moment, nothing mattered except the person in front of me. Apparently, that’s my natural instinct when someone I care for is in danger. I’m not proud of that, and I need to…”

Prae rubbed his face, exhausted.“I need to keep better control of myself. You’re right, I am a soldier. And I can’t afford to lose my good sense like that. It won’t happen again.”

“And for what it’s worth, I am sorry. About Scalvoris, obviously, but also about Arlo. Even if what I thought would happen had happened, it would have put him at risk. It was—” Prae hesitated, searching for the words “—it was a selfish instinct, to care more about her than Arlo and Darius.”

It was somewhat of a relief to see Vega calm and stop spraying fire everywhere. He'd been starting to worry a little for his bedsheets. She sat, and Prae followed her lead, not wanting to loom. Pulling his chair closer to the bed, he settled into it, listening as Vega tried to explain her thoughts and perspective to him. 



Despite the difficulty Vega seemed to be having in articulating something so integral to her being, Prae thought he understood all the same, at least broadly. He wasn't sure he agreed, in places—Prae believed firmly that anyone, with enough time and effort and discipline, could change their inherent nature, could silence a sound, to use her wording, if it was part of themselves they didn't want or like—but perhaps she was right about this. 


How did one train a part of their soul? Prae supposed he started by not ignoring it.


Despite his best efforts these last arcs, Praetorum had always been someone who cared deeply and intensely. That was just who he was. And he could try and change himself, try and become a person who always cared about everyone equally—but the truth was, he didn't want to be that, not really. And if he wasn't going to change that part of himself, he needed to know how to use it. It wasn't going to be simple, but Prae had never shied away from difficulty.


"You know, Vega," Prae said slowly. "You might not think yourself clever, and maybe you're even right, I don't know. But it seems to me that you have a way of seeing things clearly, and that's a skill much more valuable." He smiled slightly at her. "Thank you," he said, "for talking to me about this. And I'll try my best to keep my face the right way out."