Working out kinks

[Hinata]

!	Message from: Peg
	Post removed. Review is appropriate for PB claimed

[Pig Boy]

Hinata

Experience: 10 no magic xp

Knowledge:

Acrobatics 1
Persuasion 3
Seduction 2

Renown: none

Skill Usage: You used mining skill (yes that's a skill), so I'd have included it along with the rest that you've used here. And I'm not quite sure where you used acrobatics? Anyway, please try and list all the skills used, even those you have no skill in.

Loot/Losses: none

Injuries/Conditions: Soreness of muscles. YOu'll need a few days rest after a hard day at mining.

Consequences: none

Comments:

You kind of start out in the middle of things, without explaining how Hinata was travelling with mercenaries. When did she meet these mercenaries? How? Why is she traveling with them? The reader would often appreciate such details to get filled in, because having it start out in this way can be quite jarring and confusing to a potential reader.

When the miner says the following line: "I tell ya, if I was a girl…" I was a bit confused where he was going with it... IF he was a girl, what then?

Anyways, overall the writing was understandable, in spite of starting in the middle of things. I think if you work on your start of the thread, by explaining how things came about, you'll really be able to improve on your writing.

Anyways, enjoy the points and stuff!

If you have any concerns about this review, please PM me about them.